I'm back

I'm back and it feels good to be blogging again. My mom came down for a visit last month so I missed the monthly meeting. She was here for 2 days only and with my sleep schedule it was hard to do everything so I chose to spend it with my mom. I have a better relationship with her now so that is good. Then my work place computer broke down and for Easter I had to do a ton of overtime to catch up. We are finally back to normal. I have also changed my schedule at work I now do 4 day of 10 hour shifts and I get 3 days off. so I now start my night at 11pm and I am done at 9:30 am. My days off are now Sat ,Sun,Mon. I am coming to Saturday classes more often because I am  still awake for the classes now. On monthly meeting days I find I easier to just stay awake for the meetings. My apologies in advance if I seem tired. This seems to be the best way for me to make the meetings. 

rediscoveries

I have found a new love for my kung fu. It is in tai chi. I am taking my lessons and applying them to my form and what a difference it has made. My hands and feet want to finish at the same time instead of needing to. With a shift in my perception I now want to finish each movement together and it feels good. My skeletal alignment is second nature because of the pain reinforcing when it is wrong. so I do my form relatively pain free. I've slowed it right down to accommodate the precision I am giving each move to flow with effortless effort. My Intent is the driving force behind my movements so they finish when they need to and I am moving on to the next move. I am grateful to you all for having me in the group because without our monthly meetings I would have surely given up by now. Plus I am one stubborn woman that won't quit. So  I am re starting my year with a better attitude and looking at my positives and not dwelling on the negatives. I have worked far to hard at this to give it all up for some silly arthritis. I will deal with it as all of you deal with your daily challenges knowing you are there for me is a big help in my journey. This group we have is really a life changer for the better and I am grateful to be a part of it.
Sifu Jeannette Langner

Keep on trying

Well a lot has been happening to me lately. I went to my doctor for the results of my blood tests and I now have arthritis in my joints. Needless to say the pain has been very persistent and has made me cut back on my activities. I seem to have it all over in every joint it seems. When I have to work overtime at work it gets worse. So my kung fu has been neglected because of all the pain I keep on having. Repetitive motions are the worst. So at black belt class  last night I went in not expecting anything special. Boy was I wrong. We had the best class ever. I've finally see a way to maintain my kung fu with all my aches and pains. It has to do with the 6 harmonies. I feel the external ones right away if I don't have them lined up properly so I work very hard to keep them together. We have been working on the internal harmonies and it has eluded us all for a long time. Getting our intent to drive the bus so to speak has been a real struggle for many of us. Last night It clicked. It has to do with how we are constantly readjusting our intent as we do our kung fu. Punch is coming so we must block then counter. Now as a black belt we are constantly going through all the micro adjustments all the time and this is what is constantly changing our intent. It's not just step one then 2 then 3. from one to 2 there are hundreds of adjustments we make as we go to get from intercept , block then counter. It is theses adjustments we are continually doing that is connected to our intent. So to execute a block counter with intent we are now realizing the full potential of the release of our chi at the end of our counter. This I can practice on my own with my forms. It has opened up a whole new way of thinking about all my forms and how vitally important they will always be in our progress to mastery.
I am very glad now that I went to class even if I'm sitting on the bench you never know when a jewel of a class happens and your there for it. So I will be attending classes again every Thursday  even if it's bench warming the thrill of learning kung fu doesn't get any better than this I truly do love my Kung fu. Sifu Jeannette Langner

sad angry hurt pain

Well I've  been away for a while. My pain is getting worse not better and it's left me in a place of loathing. I'm sad because I can't train like I want and I'm angry with myself because I can't train the way I want. It hurts to train the way I want and the pain won't ever stop from going away. so why blog when the pain hurts so bad.I've committed to this team and it hurts to admit the pain I'm in. You aren't mind readers and unless I tell you the pain you have no idea what I'm going through. I've been in pain for months now and the doctors are not co operating by not telling me anything helpful.
this is painful to write because of all the silent suffering and we all promised to blog again so here I am. I want things to get better but they aren't and it's so hard to try to come on the mats it hurts to do repetitions yet here we all are doing an insane amount of repetitions. I don't know why I'm still here it hurts so bad at the worst possible moments and I'm letting the team down continually.Please help. Sifu nJeannette Langner

results

So the blood test came in and the normal number for Rheumatoid arthritis is 20 mine is 40 so I get to go see a specialist within a month or 2. He sent out my referral letter right away now I have to wait and see when I get to go see him or her. I have no idea what any of this means except I have a new name for all my joint pains. I will have to do some research now because I don't know anything about this. Thanks for all your support at least now we know there is something wrong and it has a name. I hope I spelled it right.
Sifu Jeannette Langner

Life's hard

I finally went and did my blood tests for inflammation in my joints. Such a simple test and yet I would not have done it otherwise. Being held accountable to the team has made me look into my health issues because they are preventing me from my training. My joints have been getting a little bit  worse as time goes on and If I was on my own I'm positive I would not have checked it out. After all I've put it off this long so why did I finally do it? Being accountable to all of you has helped me get to the doctors get the tests going to see what's wrong with me. My follow up is on
Friday at 9:15 am. It's because of the support I have with all of you that I signed up for the rooster team and we shall see why my joint aches are getting worse and not better. What I am trying to say very badly is that because of all of you I am actually looking out for myself. My joints do hurt more and more as time marches on and I need to find out why now and not when it's too late. So here's hoping for some news to explain what's going on with me. I will blog again Friday morning to give an update.
Sifu Jeannette Langner

vocabulary

This last meeting was very useful. I was able to increase my vocabulary for my acts of kindness. By giving myself more key words to recall myself to the moment of where am I and what am I doing I am able to be more aware of opportunities to be helpful or empathetic towards others. The first word I liked was gratitude. When we hear this word it makes me recall all the good things I have and start to look for ways to share or even express gratitude for acts of kindness. Being able to accept or give gratitude are harder to recognize and follow through with dignity. Not being condescending or worse yet feel undeserving of gratitude is marks of a negative trail. This path will ultimately go downwards so by recognizing it for the good thing that it is then we stay on the upward spiral of positivity. Which leads me to the second word of note reciprocating what has been done for you. what you put out comes back. With these two incredible powerful words added to the way I view acts of kindness I can find more opportunities to perpetuate my goals to a fulfilling conclusion that is satisfying for me.
Sifu Jeannette Langner
I will be going for my tests this morning and making my appointment for next Monday.